September 10, 2006

Remember me this way

I really have an adverse reaction to celebrating my birthday. Really. I just don't like it. In fact, I go all out to try to make my birthday as normal a day as possible. Maybe cos I hate milestones. And, birthday is like a milestone, right? Especially if some people around you make a fuss over you just cos you are one year older (and probably not even any wiser). I don't like that.

It probably started around university. Before that, I was quite all right when my friends tried to arrange a celebration for me, with dinner and maybe a cake. But, can't really pinpoint what happened, and when, that I started to push away any kind of celebration effort from any well-meaning friend, including my partner (if there's any).

Especially partner. Perhaps, I'm afraid of remembering how my partner would put in so much effort to celebrate my birthday and yet, they may not be around to celebrate the next one with me. I know I'd feel really sentimental about it and really upset about how birthdate doesn't change and everything else had changed.

I'm afraid of the cynical way I'd think about how my partner used to promise to buy me something special for my birthday (hey, I was that close to having a T&Co ring once... haa) and that something special never materialised. Haha...

I have this fear, every year, that the coming birthday will be the last that I will celebrate with the people I love. It scares me. Birthdays are like... watching fireworks. Very brilliant but it doesn't last.

So, I really try to make my birthday as normal a day as possible. 'Cos I prefer that it's just a day like any other that me and the people who love me treat it with a sense of normality. In Chinese, 'pin2 chang2 xin1'.

I will still buy something nice for myself. 'Cos I just like to take the excuse to indulge a bit in myself. 'Cos I'm usually too practical and thrifty to do so. Haha. But, I don't really want gifts. A card with a few words will be nice. 'Cos I keep cards well. If not, why don't you just msg me a simple 'Happy Birthday', cos it's enough for me. To know that you remember me on my birthday. Good enough.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:21